I also want to chronicle our journey as we bring another blessing into our home, this time through fost-adopt. I feel that to begin, I need to give a small history of how we came to this place.
I will never forget a conversation I had with Matt when we were engaged. I remember we were in the car, driving to church. We were talk/dreaming about the future. I told Matt I wanted three born-to-me children, and then I wanted to adopt. I was so surprised how adverse Matt was to this statement. Three sounded like an awful lot of babies to him, an adoption was a total crap shoot, you never know what you are getting yourself in to.
Very shortly after we were married we were expecting our first blessing. This pregnancy was soon followed by another and by the time we were married three years we had two adorable little boys. One for each of us.
We were very young, and struggling financially. We had bought a home before we were married based on the fact that I had a job; now I was home with the babies and things were tight. Looking back, we were a lot better off than we thought. Things were just not going as we expected.
The decision was made for Matt to have a vasectomy. This seemed like the first grown-up decision we had made as a married couple. We really didn't have any opposition from family or friends. We had a tiny house, and small car, and smaller finances. How could we fit another baby? Matt was working long 12+ hour days and as much as I loved being a mommy, I was completely overwhelmed.
Our second born was 3 months old when Matt had his surgery.
Whether we were "out of God's will" in our decision is of no consequence to me now. Although I do believe we could have been talked out of having the surgery, we weren't. It happened and we were happy with the result. It is part of our story.
When our youngest turned four, a desire began to grow in me for another baby. Matt was very settled with how things were. He wasn't insensitive, but he was very firm in his resolve. My desire would not go away and became at times a driving force. I watched videos of the boys as babies, I cried over pictures. Several times I brought up the subject with Matt, but he would not be moved. Each time he refused to discuss it further, I felt such grief over the loss of a baby that only existed in my heart. In my heart, I related with Rachel in the Bible who told her husband Jacob, “Give me children, or I shall die!”Genesis 30:1
I decided to follow Paul's example in scripture (2 Corinthians 12:8-10), and after three different occasions of asking the Lord to take this desire from me, I left it in His hands. It was so hard to leave that desire as an offering before the alter, but I had to, somehow, get some peace. I would live with this unmet desire believing that if it was meant to be, God would work in Matt's heart.
The following year was so hard. We had trials of every kind; financially, family dramas, marriage issues. It was easy to believe we were not meant to have any more children as our lives seemed chaotic. That year was like one long storm. In the midst of it all, our friends were having babies, so I had to endure several baby showers. I even hosted a few of them. By some technical error, I was placed in the nursing mothers group in Bible study that year. A friend had a baby and had to return to work and wanted me to babysit three days a week. Now there were baby things in the house again, and as much as I loved this baby, the desire for a baby of our own only grew. I knew I was being tested. I just had no idea what the desired outcome could be. Strength in character? I was trying to quench my desire but being bombarded with babies and pregnant mommies was only making it worse. Why was I to suffer so? Why wasn't I satisfied with the beautiful family I had? As faithfully as I could, I kept my struggle between me and the Lord.
Imagine my total shock, when one day Matt asked me to look in to the cost of a reversal for his vascectomy. There aren't words to explain how I felt. I truthfully don't have much to say about it because I was in total shock and my memories are a blur! All I can say, is that it was the Lord that changed Matt's heart.
Fast forward five years, and we have two more precious boys. We are completing requirements to adopt through foster care. I'm overwhelmed at God's grace. Looking back we can't hardly believe that coming out of such a stormy season, we have been brought to this place. My heart and my husbands are changed. God only know's what the future holds as far as how many more children will come into or be born into our home. I feel as much a spectator as a participant, and I am completely satisfied with that.
Two years later, precious son #4
I look forward to writing Part 2, as our story developes.
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